I never feel like I know where to start when I have been away for awhile. I will have this uneasy feeling for days and get real nervous and not know why. All this usually means I have something I need to say or write and I'm looking for a place to drop whatever......(Kind of like when a mother cat is looking for a place to have her babies.) Now as I look back on my life, I find I have had this uneasy feeling a lot. I have never really found my true place and just wandered around like a "true hippy" just trying to fit in and make a difference. Now at 64, I have more time to read and listen to just what My Lord is trying to tell me. Often when young and a mother (single or not...I have been both), you get so wrapped up in the chores you forget to listen. Just a few minutes sometime each day to say, " thanks" and ask, " what next?" I have learned since coming down with my continuing aliments that I have more time to listen if I can just stay awake to hear the conversation. As I have no doubt said before somewhere, this seems like the fourth quarter of the game and the couch turned to me and said, "Go on in, Charlene." Now I really do not know if he thought there just was no more hope so what the heck OR he felt I might be able to make a difference......time will only tell.
As my new adventures usually happen, I was feeling kind of sorry for myself today and decided to just lay on the couch and pretend I was watching television and the phone rang. No it wasn't someone who was trying to sell me something.......wait a moment it might of been? She could have been offering me a new look at life. I have been ask to talk to two different support groups in the next two months....... Me all by myself. I never would have dreamed I would be ask.....really.
The thing that makes this so crazy is that I am not only battling chronic illness, but weight loss and a new body to deal with. It really was much, much easier to hide in a fat body in a wheel chair and just get by. Don't get me wrong, I am not skinny by any means, but I have lost 70 and more pounds and it's scary. I have used my fat self to protect me from harm and hurt for years. I never really let anyone get through that last door to my heart.....because if they got it open I was open to everything And the little fat girl could go home after all these years.
Along with all the rest my mom slips steadily into her own world where everyone, including me are enemies.....Alzheimer's does that and that I won't dwell on. All I can mention is I am so happy God is on my side with this and continues to offer me new stimulation and solutions to some problems.
These are just a few of the things I have learned in the past month.......noodles are get, get in the water and use those arms. Walk everyday and go as far as you can and say a prayer at the end. Try alternative medicine and get organized. ORGANIZED, ORGANIZED OR YOU WILL JUST GO IN CIRCLES trying to figure out what next. Every minute should be like a dance AND keep your favorite things at arms reach for those long sleepless nights and days of self doubt......
Well enough of my preaching. I feel vented now that I have got on the soapbox after such a long time......Peace be with you all and PLEASE take a minute to listen. Love ya Pokie