Thursday, July 24, 2008

My Heart is Good.....
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I should never swear but today I just must. If I live through this summer with my two seven year old grandchildren, I will know it was divine intervention. I live in a split level home and because I am in the process of moving my mother down stairs I have some of my things upstairs and some downstairs a grandkids delight. Anytime they can catch me on one floor they head for the other floor. If I'm in the front yard they are in the back yard....."Get how this is going?"....well today is the best yet and I must say grandkids one ,two, three......POKIE NONE.

I have a 20gal fish aquarium downstairs. I have had it for a long time and it has always been off limits to the kids because they cannot seem to keep their hands out of it. Miscellaneous weird things are found submerged or floating in this tank after they depart the farm. Usually two or three days later because me and stairs just don't get along and I'll put off forever going down in the basement....Today was my day and I decided to add water and feed and try to do general upkeep. I opened the lid and was instantly attacked by a small tree frog my "Little Angels" had left behind for their Nee Nay.....Ok a frog is a frog but this one was spastic....He jumped out of the tank on to the side of my face......which threw my poor brain into high gear and five steps backward this ol lady with multiple problems went screaming ,"Oh, Yuckkkkkkkk!!!!

The sad part is as funny as it must have been to witness, I was home all by myself. I removed my friends little sustion cup (hands?) from my face and out the door he went. I have two days until my dears return and my brain is going wild trying to figure how to get them back.....POKIE

Tuesday, July 22, 2008

The Midnight Hour
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Blogs are such an I thing. No matter where you try to head, somehow it always returns to you. They are a place to muddle over the events of the day in an attempt to figure out if you did anything at all right or just really didn't even get close. The midnight hour is my favorite for walks down the isle of self discovery. I never figured out why until tonight. I always assumed that writing came easier from one to five in the morning because of the quiet and lack of distraction, and it may to a certain extent. But now I have decided it's because no one is watching and I have to answer to no one or try to fit into what ever present
mold I'm suppose to be in. I can type for hours and no one sticks there head in the door and says, "Shouldn't you be........" or "What are you going to do today?" In the midnight hour the words just flow from some tapped spring that replenishes everything within me. All the things I have ever wanted to do seem possible and the words, "You shouldn't or can't" never pop up. There ae so many molds we spend our lives trying to fit into and why I will never know. God made me as I am and as long as I strive to maintain and educate that person it seems I am on the right tract.

It is so nice at night to hear the rain gently falling outside my bedroom window. One drop at a time the water skirts down the window pane.....washing away the dust of the day and leaving a small mark on the window and the world as it passes. It will never come back yet while it was here it had a job and did it. In so short of time it cleaned up a very tiny spot in the world. It made a cleaner and brighter spot for one of God's creatures and all was good.
In this being my blog, and this being me in the analizing seat and me being analized. I have decided that the midnight hour is God's gift to me for a job at least tried in the previous day.......thank you pokie

Wednesday, July 16, 2008

The Prodigal Returns
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Wednesday, for quite some time, has been my go to town day. I usually havew a list of chores to attend to and groceries to be bought for the coming week. Usually I am gone most of the day but because of the high humidity and temperatures in Illinois. Katie and I opted to make it a quick trip to the hospital for blood work and out to eat. Then off to the grocery store for "grandkid snacks", through Mickey D's and back home. As I was rounding up the wheelbarrow to take the supplies in I heard a very familar sound........

Setting on the steps to the chicken house was my faithful friend Quack. I quess she was not as happy about the lake as I thought. As I looked up she started quacking and carrying on so I opened the door and in she went......happy to be in the pen. She was safe at home. I fed her and noticed the old rooster was really happy she was home too. Several times today I went out to check on her and each time she greeted me as she has done for years.

I couldn't help but see a lot of similarities between Quacks experience with life and friendsips and my daily struggles. Each of us has to experiment with life to find our true home. A place where we can just be us and relax....I am fortunate to have several places where I can hear the inner workings of my mind and heart over the roar of civilization. My responsiblities to my animals are the same as with my friends always be there to open the door and let them in......Love pokie

Tuesday, July 15, 2008

Ducks and Memories.....
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Today was a beautiful day in Illinois. Though hot and humid, the sunshine was clean and just made you feel good all over. I have had a duck for almost two years now. Her name is Quack and she has been sharing the chicken house with the hens and roosters until yesterday, when I decided it was time for her to rejoin the duck world and maybe mate and fly south this winter.....Maybe not...I really hope she stays and has babies on our new lake........

Some friends of mine decided to play a trick on me a couple of years ago and ventured over during the night and added these two ducks to my chicken assortment and then stashed themselves in the barn until I came out to feed. I never wear my glasses out in the morning and so you can imagine my surprise when what I thought was my prize brown rooster looked straight at me and quacked.....they seemed to hold their own all along and layed the most beautiful huge eggs right in with the hens.....One came up missing as often happens on a farm and Quack hung in there being quiet the survivor.

Recently my farming is downsizing bigtime and Quack just looked awfully lonily in that pen with no hens and a rooster that decided she looked pretty good after his girls were yesterday I ventured out for the last time and Quack and I decided to take her down to our new lake and see what she thought....She liked it needless to say and this morning she was happily the owner of her domain and seemed quite happy as she gave me her usual Quack when she saw me.

As I sat there this morning, meditating on the changes in my life and surroundings, my old friend glided by in perfect harmony with all around her showing me that by letting her go I had brought a new meaning to our relationshp. She was now free to love me or not on her own terms. I was no longer in control. Though this made me sad and I'll miss her greeting every time I come out the back door, she is where she was meant to be for what ever time she has. I can not keep her from harm, I can only cherish my memories she gave me in those two years.

Everything is subject to change and to live we must change with them. I try to bend and sway with the times but it seems to be harder or I am becoming more passionate about things. Bear with me my friends. I am struggling to find my way and continue to be me. I do believe that when the process is done I will still... JUST BE ME..

Friday, July 11, 2008

Which Way Boss........???
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I have often said I make no decisions for myself. My Lord is in total control but lately he has had me on a multitask four ten -hour work days that would make a normal persons head swim. I have many friends battling different stages of Parkinson Disease and as anyone knows now this is a BIG topic of discussion. I stay in touch daily and I live their pains and smiles as they do and we love it I hope that me being there is helping them in some way that a pill cannot. I also pledge alligance to and the war for information on this ever elusive pain in the neck disease.

Some of my responsibilities on the farm are now gone. This sounds sad but I can not feed and clean as I once did with great pride. The troops are slow to rally for a better mowed yard or cleaner house. My families idea is if I would spend less time on the computer, I would have more time for them and the farm. You know they are right but I have no intention of altering my course. Armed with my trusty notebook and pen , I embark on a day with every minute wrote down and believe it or not a timer in my pocket. Parkies have a tendency to ramble and with the best of intentions forget what they or if I have not finished a task in thirty minutes I move on to something else until later. It seems I sleep in two hour increments and work in thirty minute increments so maybe God is getting cheated a little, but my work is intense when it is on. Staples just loves to see me pull in the driveway with ink cartridges to return for rebate and buying reams of paper instead of packages...and thank you once again Lord for Sticky Tabs for everywhere, front door, frig, mirrors, steering wheel of car and top of laptop. I swear I have no idea what I did when I had all my brain cells. They must have got in each others way......

To all the above you must add my beloved new grandson Ayden who now at three weeks weights in at a whopping 11lbs.2oz and is 22 inches long. It is totally impossible for me to go a week without holding him at which time he snuggles as close as he can get and really gives me a slobbery kiss. He really might be looking for food but I take it as a kiss. Ayden is now making every battle I am fighting worth while. His "Ol Silly Grandma" really loves him.

I am now totally convinced that prior to my diagnoses and even prior to the fall of 2007. my life was boring and slow. Though totally crazy to some, I love where God has brought me and hope he is satisfied with my work because.......... I think I am. love pokie

Monday, July 7, 2008

Hello.......Am I In There?
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Do you ever wonder if people actually see the real you? Is there a real you? How far does someone dig before they hit your soul? Does cronic illness affect your soul? Does someone ever really change or is that other person always there just waiting to come out. Then with Parkinson's as your brain cells diminish does any of this matter and if so how much does it matter? What gives up in the end, the mind, the body or the soul? Can you live without one of these, if so which one should go first leaving the other two to carry on? These are pretty deep questions but are indeed questions that some "Parkies " deal with everyday BUT should they?...........

I believe I make a concious effort everyday not to address or answer any of these questions. That could be considered living a false life or being Polyanna. Since one of the key factors to this disease is rest and the management of depression, why not just take your remaining days and throw caution to the wind and fly. Leave all the gates open , walk on the grass, laugh in the library. If you don't do it now, when are you going to work it in? I'm beginning to believe that 15% brain cells is not too bad and it gives you a free ride on some really neat roller coasters if you dare.

I'm at a very critical crossroad right now and tomorrow may detour me. I have a doctors appointment to try and find out why I have this swelling going on. It started in my ankles and tops of my feet, and now has made it to my knees. The old term "Tight as a Tick" has nothing on me. My skin cannot expand anymore, so walking is to say the least awkward. Yet I really feel great mentally and my soul has never been better. So I have to ask myself. "Is this the next step God has in store for me?" Am I finally going to learn how to fly from a wheelchair? Or have I yet another illness waiting at the door to come in? Who knows? And really I'm not going to loose any sleep over it either. Many years ago I gave up control. About 1996 would be the year I would pick and ever since no matter what my Lord says, it's ok with me and I never question or ask why.....and you know what? I am happier for POKIE

Today With PokieToo and Parkinson's and Acute RA Disease