Today with pokie too

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Just a Little Down

I wonder how you learn to live by yourself? It is truly not an easy task. When I was in the nursing home, I relished everyone just leaving me alone, but at home I long for a visit. Everyday I turn on the news and the famous song writers, band leaders, and writers who got me through my beginnings in my early teens, have died and more and more at a closer area to my age. Next I go to the home town paper on my computer and read the obituaries to check on loved ones passing into another life. I fix me a meal for the day and feed my cats and dogs, take my meds and lay back down.

Last night I watched a special on the influenza epidemic in 1919 and realized just how bad something can become. They finally decided it was being spread when you opened your mail each day. Currently I am kind of under house arrest and will be until spring. July 25, 2017 I had open heart surgery and can not take a flu shot so they gave me a pneumonia shot and ask me to stay in and limit my access to my grandkids and anyone else. Were I not blind in my left eye, I would read and sew, but I am totally blind in that eye. Thank you Lord for leaving my right one going and for letting Google put up with me on here. The funny part is I have learned alot about life since I have gotten old. The unfunny part is two thirds of my family have deserted me for one reason or another. Three years and nothing from six of my family...Two daughters and four grandkids....Two miles away and I guess I make them uneasy. I would not be here were it not for my son and his family but what a burden I must be at times.

Well, so much for this sad story. "Everyone cries sometimes" and today is my day to feel sorry for myself...tomorrow I will be better, I promise love Pokie

A SHINNY PENNY

Those who know me well for years have watched a single shinny penny appear from nowhere during times in my life when I was under extreme stress. No it is not a drug thing, These pennies just show up where pennies would not be found. Sometimes  there is a short conversation between me and my Lord or sometimes I feel Him chuckle and smile. My belief is that all this is to keep me sending me in the directions he wishes me to go. This all started, as I remember  in 1991 when I survived a grand mal seizure and woke up to my Neurologist telling my three children he was treating two women in critical condition and only one would survive. A week later, as they were preparing me for discharge, a shower was in order. They striped me down and left me alone in the shower and as I set on the bench, I glanced between my feet and there was a very shinny  1987 penny. I picked it up and clutched it tightly in my fist  until my daughter could get there to take it, She had a gold band put on it and mounted it on a gold necklace which  I wore until on day it came up missing. I ventured on with my life finding pennies in very odd places for years. I always looked to the heavens and and thanked God for his blessing and then when I retired in 2005,I moved to the farm to take care of my parents and found the penny on the top shelf of a book case.
I cannot tell you how many times I was in the process of making an important decision and would have went in the wrong direction but looked down and there was a penny.....A shinny penny never a new mint. A penny that should have been dirty from wear.
Well I haven't found too many pennies lately though really bad things have been happening to me and depression has been my constant companion. But today I woke up early and there on the carpet, in the middle of the room was A SHINNY PENNY. OK yes there are some ways it could have gotten there BUT. The last thing I did before I went to bed was vacuum that rug......Thank you Lord and Happy New Year to me and You.....Love Pokie

MERRY CHRISTMAS

Just a quick entry today.....

Dear Lord, don't let us miss You this Christmas season. Help us to simplify our activities and traditions so we can focus our celebration on Your birth. Thank you for being the Prince of Peace, and I ask You for that supernatural peace to reign in our hearts. Thank You for the simple but life changing message of Your love for us. In Jesus' Name. Amen and Merry Christmas. Love Pokie......

HOG MONEY....

A dear friend sent me a copy of this letter in 2012 and I thought it might bring a chuckle in these times. 

My friend Billy just received a check for $987 dollars from the federal government for not raising hogs. I want to go into the "not raising hogs" business next year. What I need to know is what is the best breed of hogs -- not to raise? I want to make sure I approach this important work in keeping with all government policies. I would prefer not to raise Razor Backs, but if that is not a good breed not to raise, then I will just as gladly not raise Yorkshire or Durocs. What do you recommend? As I see it, the hardest part of this government program will be keeping an accurate inventory of how many hogs I haven't raised. If I get $987 for not raising 50 hogs, will I get $1974 for not raising 100 hogs? I plan to start out small the first year. Then I can afford an airplane. I have another question. These hogs I will not be raising will not be eating 90,000 bushels of corn I understand that you also have a program that pays farmers not to grow corn. What size of a payment can I expect for not growing 90,000 bushels of corn that I won't need  that I am not going to feed to the 5000 hogs that I am not going to raise? This estimate of potential income is needed so that I don't exceed the level the president has set -- where I, become a rich person and my income must be redistributed. I am also considering the "not milking cows" business so send me any information you have available....Have a great day. Love ya Pokie

Helen Lowrie Marshall

I will tell you more about this fine lady in later posts. I wish I could have met her along the way instead I bargain for one of her tiny books of poems on ebay for a quarter.....A great deal

LOOK UP AND LIVE

This business of living was meant to be more

        Than plodding along each day

With head bowed down and eyes on the ground

         While time ticks the hours away.

God made this world a delightful place

          With beauty everywhere ----

The grass, the flowers, the trees, the sky,

           The tang of clean, fresh air ---

A world to be lived in, laughed in, loved,

         To be met with joy and zest,

A world with a challenge for each of us

         To give it our very best.

This business of living was never meant

        As a treadmill sort of thing;

There are rivers to cross, and mountains to climb,

        And glorious songs to sing!

Amen and love ya Pokie

          

THERE'S WORK TO DO.....

Well here we are hurrying into Christmas. Not much to it this year for me. Lots of cleaning and sorting through things.  I just feel kind of lost in the scheme of things. I have the best of intentions but when I get right down to it I run out of steam. Years ago I would have my tree up by Thanksgiving and started my cookie baking the first week of December. Shopping was worked in as I could afford it and I can even remember one year buying gifts Christmas Eve and going to the park and wrapping them before going home to go to candlelight services. My husband at the time was born on Christmas Day and had a love for divinity, so Christmas Eve, for me, was an all night cleaning and making divinity and having everything perfect for Christmas Day when the house was fun with relatives and joy.
Parkinson's and the chance of seizures have taken those time from me. Even though two years ago my Neurologist held my shaking hand and said, "You doing have PD just "PDisum". Which means my organs don't just shut down and I can sometimes manage my left hand shake by telling it to stop. The only problem being my strength and back pain. The only pain meds I take or extra strength tylenol after being on over forty pills a day for very many years. I guess my doctors think at seventy I should be slowing down but I miss the excitement so this is my new mission.......
I will rearrange my house the way I want it. I'll try at every step along the way to sort the pictures and mark who they are for. There is always a possibility that someone might be interested at another time. The antiques I am so proud of having, have me at a mystery. I guess I could sell them a little at a time but they have been with me so long.. I have quilt tops to be quilted, pictures to be framed I had found these things on weekend excursions, when with no money, me and the kids would go to farm sales and garage sales and load up for close to nothing. Then I made a mistake....My dad retired and was so bored so what did I do? I introduced him to antiques so now with him and mom both gone, I have buildings stacked to the top.
Well need not worry, I have no time to die and I seriously belief God won't take me till I get this straightened out.  So with that, I am back to work and wishing you well. Thanks for all your comments and kind thoughts. You spur me on.     Love ya Pokie

BOXES....

It's amazing how we collect so many things in our life. Some things are ever so tiny and some huge. Everytime we travel to a new home, we carefully take these precious items along with us. I have done this all my life. I guarded them from chips and cracks yet never realized that these little memories meant nothing to others. They accumulated money value ,in some cases, but nothing huge. So find the right boxes and mark the outside with instructions as to who it should go to and start the filling.

For me it was possibly silly things. A granddaughters favorite baby shoes or a small vase my great-grandmother painted. One by one they make their way to the boxes.The odd part is, I have carried some of these with me for sixty five years or more and they are in better shape than me.....no nicks chips or cracks. I am hoping that someday my grandchildren feel that special tingle in their fingers when they touch something so very old and are able to let it tell it's story for the next hundred years.
Here I am learning what it is to be OLD. My kids generation have to much to do to listen to a silly old ladys jabber and carrying on. My grandkids know I feel they have a lack of needed respect for someone who has been through so much but I do realize that many of those things are no longer important in this world.Unless you are a history major, things I might want to tell you are not important in any way.
Where does love fit into the scheme of these things? What box do you open at thirty and know love will pour out? Will you understand how much just holding that pair of shoes made me smile and sometimes cry? When I finally am put in a box with instructions on the side, will that be a precious moment or mean nothing? If the world is still here in seventy years, will someone remember me with good thoughts and remember me well enough to say,"but gramma said"....and look in those boxes and smile? Just remember at whatever year those boxes are opened, this crazy lady loved you one and all......love always Pokie

  

Happy Thanksgiving

The wonders that invade my life never stop amazing me. All day yesterday I was thinking of all the things I have to be thankful for. The experiences and people I have met along the way. The memories that never fade and though some people change and you find you no longer fit in their life, you still have those birth memories....The ones you take to heaven with you. One is my grandkids Haley, Brendan, Katlin, Trey, Ayden and Amelia. Another is all the special times we spent together just being ourselves. Another is my very close friends who taught me survival at all cost. MY KIDS, Heidi, Matt and Ginny, each special in there own way.....strong but with huge hearts. Gone from my daily life but leaving me surrounded with thoughts of their early years when it was just us, surviving. And then I opened blogger to find 30,000 people have read my writings in the least years. 30,000 hits gives each person in my little town of 15,000 two chances to feel my thoughts twice and try to figure me out.
For all this I am thankful and will continue to be so....amen.  Love Pokie 

I AM TOUGH.....

I spent the evening last night watching a documentary on Franklin D. Roosevelt and his very special wife. I needed their words of wisdom to give me a push  but I still can't figure out if the push was suppose to be towards or  away from reality. FDR once said "the worst thing about fear was fear itself." and someone else mentioned that if fear set in "THEY" had won. It's so odd that I have no fear of dying yet would be scared to death to drive into St. Louis, alone or with family. I use to have no problem driving in the dark on the interstate to get to Cape before dawn. I would stop and get coffee and never give it another thought but now have even changed my doctors to this side of the river to keep from having me and my family in the Forest Park area and Barnes Jewish even though the best doctors in the world are there.
I was in the hippy era in the mid sixties and have lived and endured all the misconceptions of women. All I knew at sixteen was what men said was true just like everything my dad said was true and women were mainly raised to cook, clean and serve. It took many years to claim my space in life but so many things never changed. I remember telling someone early on "Don't fall in love with me. I will only hurt you." How sad. I was only seventeen. I moved on in life and possibly never really knew what love really was but one thing I found to be true. What I learned, I learned well and God was always there beside me and with a plan or I would not be here today with a smile.
I have endured countless illnesses and surgeries, especially in the last two years. Through it all my son has stayed by my side and is always there on the other side. He has a huge heart and my being ill cuts him like a knife. Thank you  Lord for bringing him his wife and two beautiful children. because the possibility of their hugs has kept him going. As I said, he is an awesome son and as a father, there are few who could beat him.
Well I have exposed myself enough to the world and I will endure another session of the evening news and all will progress on for good or bad, but I am from southeast Missouri and I AM TOUGH.....love ya, Pokie.

WHEN YOU STUMBLE, MAKE IT PART OF THE DANCE......

 Lord knows I have stumbled a lot. But in that stumbling around I have danced, and danced and danced. Now, as I look back, I wish I had not taken my dancing for granted. Humans are sure blessed with huge amounts of wisdom in old age. Wisdom that would have been very handy in youth. One could bypass so much pain but how would wef learn that the world is never always a field of roses. I wasn't born into financial ease, but I never seemed to go without. My parents never went to church but my dad father "Grampa Mac" never missed a Sunday and I was right there beside him in the same pew every week.  He had a piece of candy for every child who came by and a handshake for every parent or grandparent. Those happy times went on all the way through high school.

My grandfather was a Democrat and my grandmother was a Republican. It was NEVER discussed in front of the kids, but when election day came, they dressed in their Sunday best and he headed out the front door and she did likewise but called a cab and went by herself. I heard they never acknowledged each other at the poll, just voted and left. You see why I am able to dance so well? I am made of strong stuff.

Another dance theme is the rush to fill the Thanksgiving table so all my relatives on my dad's side could feast all day and take leftovers home. Weeks before my grandfather and dad would start going to shooting matches Friday and Saturday nights in hopes of getting the best board and with that getting to take the biggest live turkey home for the big day. All the men I grew up around had guns for hunting and were very good shots as were my dad and grampa. They would win and bring that big boy home and tie him up to the cloths line to wait for killing and dressing the following week. That is a whole different story.....One that would let you know that turkeys can dance with no head....REALLY.

So you see I can still let the memories dance in my mind even though my ability to stumble is ever increasing. Well dance as best you can un til the next of my ramblings.... love ya, pokie

Me and the park bench.....

When you are feeling bad and the pain is coming on strong, stop and look around. Stop and go to a public place and sit and watch the other world go by. They are often hurting more than you. They often have severe thoughts going through there heads that only them can understand. They may believe they cannot survive another day alone. Some wonder if they survive this day, where will the money for tomorrow come from?
Has it become all about money, rank and fame? I have known people who grew up on dirt floors and ended up millionaires and were probably happier on the dirt floors. My great grandmother lived  and raised her family in a farm house north of Cape Girardeau, Missouri that had dirt floors but her prized possession was an old pump organ which was on a pallet to protect the bottom. She played it nightly till she died. She went through two wars with the help of that organ, never looking back but  looking ahead and always with her faith and smile spurring her on.
Why are families so easily thrown away? You are only given one basic design to build on or take apart. In that family, no matter the size are different makeups and personalities, colors and ages, faiths and hopes, Just because one is different from the next does not mean you should turn your back on them.
The world is Our Big Family, Why are we doing these things to each other? Why are we promoting the pain.
While sitting on that park bench the next time, smile at each passerby, wish them a good day. If you have no money to contribute to a cause, donate your time and if you cannot walk, donate your prayers.. Send your love ....pokie

EVERYBODY CRIES SOMETIME

Where does my brain want to travel today? Away from the TV would be good. Even my reliable channels like PBS and National Geo cannot hold my attention span. I am in a state of grief non stop now. and I have to stay away from down affects, BUT they are everywhere. Being a seventy year old and pretty much at the mercy of the world, all I have is my Lord. There is no such thing as a family gathering, anymore. Everyone has another place to be, another person to talk to, another dime to make or spend. Yes you are right. I feel so sorry for myself today. Why does old age have to be so NO FUN?
Since the heart surgery, I can lift almost nothing and standing for any length of time is not much fun. So moving furniture around is impossible yet I never lay down on the couch without thinking this would look better there. I would love to take a slow drive back to Cape, my home town, but my vision is not good and safety might not be covered. The social media has lost it's glow in my heart, but I still pop in and out and continue not to find the depth I crave. Tonight I am going back to Patienslikeme.com for the first time in a long time. I know it has changed to fit the younger bunch. I guess my basic thought is WOW how boring is this? I talked to an old friend two or three days ago by phone and mentioned that I was never able to post sadness, always upbeat thoughts and that was giving me trouble now and she said "Pokie now is is your time to be cheered. up. Is there a cheered up place in the world today? Church isn't even safe.
I pray today for Texas and it's people. I pray for all the victims and relatives of all the shootings. I pray for Puerto Rico and all people just getting by. Hold on to your families with all your heart and remember the old hippy song....Everybody has to cry sometime. At this point in time I cannot solve anything or change the past or make anyone love me more or again. All I can do is smile at the future in heaven....love you all pokie  

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I am fighting so many things today, just as the world is as they watch and listen to the news and try not to worry but add that news in with trials of daily life and poor health and the burden becomes very heavy. My diseases thrive on my increasing inability to handle acute stress. I am a firm believer that God has left me here for an extreme purpose. I have actually died three times in the last three years and September 25, 2017 my heart was stopped for an hour for repairs. Through all this, I have had a continual conversation with my Lord. I'm sure you would laugh were I were to share this with you but they were beautiful. I so want to continue to blog and add the stories I know from my home town of Cape Girardeau, Missouri while the stories are still there. If google allows me, I hope to consolidate add my writings to one Facebook and my blogs. Originally Coffee With Pokie was on the light side and Pokie Too With PD.... was more serious but, it appears the first has been taken over and is now in a foreign language and I am ask to befriend myself to post on the Facebook page I was the proudest of.

I am sure all will come out well with help. At least before backing out for awhile, I had the posts printed....Thank you, Lord.    Have a wonderful night and hopefully more from me tomorrow,,,,Love Pokie 

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HE WILL GUIDE YOU

Here it is about five am and me and my cats are going round and round. The minute I turn on my computer they go wild. I could normally handle this huge sign of affection but when dealing with them with only the sight in my right eye and relearning the ins and outs of blogging all over again, my patience is less than it should be. They have decided to just line up on the desk and peak at me around the back of the computer.

I had awesome news from my cardio doctor this week. Sine surgery July 25, I am doing so well  that I need not have another appointment until a year from now bare any problems. Next is  getting my eyes retested and I am ready to go into winter, which by the way, the "woolie worms" are solid black which means a very bad winter coming.

I have just one more thing to say tonight and that is. Please pray for all the people who are suffering right now and pray for strength for those helping them. Take care to learn to live on less and open your mind to love in so many forms. As you move through the day, keep an on going conversation with our Lord and he WILL guide you....love Pokie

Here We Go Again......

How many times do I start anew with a totally different disease? I have been at this since 2006 with my first knee replacement and now, eleven years later, I have had the other knee replaced, my right hip , left shoulder, two eye surgeries, four heart surgeries and three skin cancer surgeries. I am still going but see the world much differently. There is such a difference between my generation at 70 and the ones that have followed. Family no longer seems to rank first on the list. What is left behind as an inheritance ranks highest. Years of taking care of my family members. This guy named "Lonely" seems always to be sitting watching me as I try desperately to do the things I have always been able to do. I am no longer as gutsy as in earlier days. Falls and car mishaps scare me where never had fears of anything. All I can say is that I am back or never left and the amount of love in my heart is still there and for ever how long God grants me earthly living, I will try to make him proud of my existence. So here we go again till the end......love pokie

After all I've done for you?

How precious life is to me,yet I have no fear of dying. I hope all that know me realize my faith keeps me ever driven. God keeps me in perpetual motion. I am in constant search of something I have never seen...a new color, a new sound, a beautiful sunset or dawn. Parkinson's tries to slow me down and then I realize that I have no time for pain nor does anyone else have time to listen to me complain. My feet have never stopped in the last week and I LOVED IT. I covered miles all said I should not, overcame a new fear I have developed of driving in St.Louis by myself and most important I had conversations with people I should have talked to years ago. Surely in these conversations you take the possibility of hearing things you don't want to hear but when all is said, your life is richer by far. I would take this opportunity to thank Russ and Heidi for listening to me babble on. I have spent a week with two of my many VBF and feel the warm glow it has produced. Thank you Lord for holding my hand as I ventured on in discovering the art of being a better servant and also thank you for whispering in my ear once years ago, "After all I have done for you?" when I threatened to give up and go back to bed....love ya Pokie

Life as a senior....

MY, my, will life ever quit changing for me, or is that the way it's suppose to be? I guess, really, I am waiting for something or someone to make it all better. Thank heavens God sticks with me through my trials. I have found so many of these trials are self inflicted. In the early stages of my disease, I would spend hours, days or weeks on one project and now an hour completely does me in and as I return to the recliner, my mind continues to work. I also now have REMS Disorder and so my nights are spent tossing and turning with very vivid dreams. It seems when I am visiting someone, morning coffee is completely consumed by chatter about my night before. I holler, scream, cuss and throw my hands around and never remember a sound. Quite often, I remember the dreams and usually enjoy them but any unfinished business from the day before is really given a work over by night. Once I visited a Neurologist who told me I was a "Neurological Mess". I never went back to see him again but now I realize just how right he was....and often it scares me.. As this disease progresses, I understand the need for a caregiver where before it seemed silly to sit and watch someone clean my house BUT I don't get any pleasure at all from cleaning...none. Cleaning and having a spotless house to display my things had always been at the top of my list. Clean is still at the top of my list but I would love to have someone else to do it. I've always had big sit down lunches and dinners and now nothing. No one can fit to much into their schedules anymore and most "fitins" are a duty not a pleasure. I think I was a little late in figuring just how life can be for a senior with multiple complications. Surely this is a question for me to ponder and solve or maybe just forget and go on......love pokie

Oh Lord, Please Help......

Where do I start today? You see I happen to have a disease which is constantly fighting you and you can either fight back or give up and curl up on the couch. Don't get me wrong because I have couch days and sometimes two couch days in a row but then the stiffness sets in and I realize I NEED FRESH AIR. I am not sure fresh air would do it today. After hearing the news of the school shooting in Conn., I am physically sick. I have always attacked this disease and the other ones I have with a child's outlook. That outlook means you must not overlook the child within you and speak your piece. Everyone may not agree with me and I may not always be right, but I tried. Now I can honestly say I'm scared. What do I tell that grandson who is smart enough to notice the foam on the ocean and believe God put soap in there so we could stay clean?, How can his imagination grow if he is afraid? Oh please,Lord.....HELP US....I try so hard to remain upbeat and always spread a smile instead of a tear. This must stop. There is no time for innocence. These pre-teens know more than I wanted to know at twenty. I'm sorry but life is wrong if a child cannot be a child in safety. Love always, Pokie